If I bear witness of myself.... it is not true

This morning as I was praying I heard Jesus say to me, "You don't have to defend yourself ash. You have to believe in yourself." It makes sense with what He's currently touching in me right now. My insecurities. My lack of confidence and belief in myself and ability. My fears. As I continued to pray and read it suddenly dawned on me that self-belief begins in Him and my belief in Him. If I don't believe in Him or believe that He is truth and what He says is truth, I have nothing. No reason to be confident but only reason to defend. I was reading in John 6 and happened to look over at John 5:31 & 32. It says, "If I bear witness of Myself, My witness is not true. There is another who bears witness of Me and I know that the witness which he witnesses of Me is true." And that's it. The difference between the need to defend or simply believe. If Jesus Himself was His only witness He would have had no legs to stand on. He even says it Himself.... "My witness would not be true or valid." But there is another who bears witness of Me.... and what He says is what's true. It connected in my brain and heart for the first time this morning.... My confidence and self-belief begins in His true witness of me. Jesus confidence and validity began in the Father's true witness of Him. He didn't need to defend Himself. He believed in His Father's truth. And many didn't believe even then. But His confidence wasn't dependent upon their witness of Him. Their choice was their choice and sadly it left them outside of relationship with Him. His confidence was dependent upon His Father's witness of Him. And because of it, He could present who He was in complete and absolute confidence to the world as their Savior.... and whether they chose to believe didn't cause Him to question who He was. It's amazing to me when something like that finally 'connects' in my heart. When I stop, listen and He speaks and it suddenly makes sense..... I love it.... and I hope it encourages some people through their own struggles with insecurities and fears. His witness of each of us is what's true.

Some things I've learned....

I went away last weekend by myself and felt like Jesus told me to consolidate this last year. Bring together what He's taught me. What I've learned. This morning I'm realizing how much of it has been about a 'forming' of my heart and character. Growing into who He has made me to be. So many things in my heart in this last year were exposed. Nasty things. Weak places. Fearful places. Wrong beliefs. Because He makes you stronger by making you aware of your weakness. He brings you into greater love by showing you your places of fear. Your character becomes stronger when you see your sin. I use to be scared of these vulnerable places. Of seeing these things inside me. It's not scary anymore. When He shows them to me...I actually find myself incredibly grateful. Because it means greater freedom. Greater strength. It means that He loves me enough to show me and then make a way out of it for me.

And I think so many people live and move and breath inside their crap never finding a way out of it. Because they ARE too afraid to see it. And sadly, the people around us aren't very accepting and loving enough to allow you TO see it. Staying inside of it becomes safer. It makes Jesus incredibly sad I think.....

So my challenge is this: Be brave enough to allow Jesus to show you your ugliness and let it become a place of worship and excitement. And let's be people that accept and love one another in all of our ugliness, making a way for one another to actually come out of it rather than stay buried underneath it. Because I guarantee....your ugliness is just as ugly as theirs is.

Disappointment

What do you do with it? I'm not entirely sure. It doesn't seem to go away in a moment or even days. It's kind of an exhausting emotion. Sometimes it means you've hoped, risked and opened yourself up and then nothing. You're left with this overwhelming feeling. I don't actually know what the balance is between wanting things and that being ok. Between trust in a Father who is absolutely good, which doesn't mean you get anything you hope for. It's a weird tension I'm struggling not to simply shut down within. I don't know why you risk? What do you hope for and in? I think I haven't had good wisdom or teaching on this subject in the past. Or even decent encouragement into bigger things. Dreams. Whatever. This almost needs to turn into a prayer for me. A prayer for help. I don't know how. I don't know why. But I just know I'm confused and struggling and don't understand and I need Your peace. More than anything I need Your peace. And an answer on what do you do with disappointment?

Things

It's funny how Jesus speaks to us. When we let Him, He makes things so clear. I apparently have this closed door. Locked and bolted! Someone is currently trying to break off the lock with a lead pipe. And it really has so much more to do with hope than anything else. So many shadows locked away behind that door. So many fears. So many insecurities. And probably so many hopes. So many dreams. Locked away. And the door has been shut and secure for so long. It's painful when someone begins to break the door down. When you're protected self no longer feels protected. Instead feels really vulnerable and unsure of whether or not you really even want that door opened in the first place. But He has promised me life. And He is kneading out the insecurities and fears in order that I would (as He told me tonight) "Really rise Ashley." He has promised me that my heart would not get trashed this time. That I'm to hope in Him and not man. That I'm to come out in confidence and security because of His love for me. So many things going on inside of me. So many good and scary things. I'm terrified. Hope is kind of a painful thing. It's kind of scary. Stepping out is always scary.

Fear and Love.

In the last few weeks I've come to believe that fear is at the root of most things. Most issues. Most selfishness. MOST THINGS! Sharing from experience, it's the most overwhelming emotion I have felt at times. Fear of rejection. Fear of being alone. Fear of the future. Fear of death. Fear, fear, fear. It's everywhere. And the truth is, often fear is justified. People are dangerous. They betray. They hurt. They abandon. They are more dangerous than any man-eating animal you might come across. In my opinion! Mostly because most of us don't know the first thing about what it means to actually love one another. We're selfish. We're demanding. We live in a dream world. We are controlled by rights and entitlement. I deserve this. Give me that. I want it. NOW. And what's worse, religion super spiritualizes and justifies ACTION that is FEAR based over and OVER again and calls it love. WHAT THE HECK?

One of MY biggest fears: rejection. I've actually been rejected many times in my life. It's been quite the reality for me. When I sense it, when I perceive it, I immediately go into fear. And then suddenly I find that everything else feels scary too and all at once I'm paralyzed in more than just one area. My way of controlling that: going in, shutting down. In my mind, where fear torments, shutting down and going in seems safer. Yet it isn't. There isn't freedom in fear EVER. It is torment. AND, it is so incredibly self focused. Action that is fear based is typically at the expense and hurt of someone else. I don't actually completely know the solution to this either. Because the truth, again, is that people ARE dangerous. We don't love the way we should. We've been studying John the last few weeks and last Thursday I started reading the part where Jesus tells the disciples that they will all abandon him. The friends that he has walked with, taught, loved, given Himself freely to, will leave Him in the most horrific point of His life. And He says to them, "Yet I am not alone. The Father is with me." Maybe that is part of the answer. Because everything we fear, often turns into reality. Often happens. People will reject you. People will betray you. We're all capable of it. So what is the grace that allows you to keep your heart open? His love which isn't really made up of concrete things all the time. It just is what it is. I find myself wanting to ask 'why' a lot. Why do you love me? What does it look like? And He keeps saying to me, "You want to know why when there is no why. It just is, what it is. I just love you."

And Jesus, also loved His friends completely and totally even in the face of abandonment. He washed their feet. He warned them that they would leave Him. And He welcomed them back after they did what He said they would do. He LOVED. And He loved at the expense of His own human needs. Because Jesus was human. And He trusted the Father. Had confidence in Him and His love for Him. Maybe that's our grace to keep our hearts open? His love for us. The Father is not fickle with His love the way we are. It isn't present at one given moment and withdrawn the next. It is constant. And I have even feel it stronger when I'm in places of fear and pain. He doesn't withdraw it in the moments when it would 'justified' to do so. He displays it even more.

Love. When it's real.

I've been spending time reading and praying this morning. Feeling convicted by my own selfishness and inability to love. Jesus and his love is so incredibly beyond us sometimes yet lo and behold, He asks this of us. His love and the expression of it was and is the epitome of selflessness. For love, in its truest, greatest form is free of self. It "suffers long and bears all things" and in the midst of suffering long and bearing with, it is KIND. I have experienced this love from Him. I have experienced this love from people in my life and it has set me FREE and liberated my heart. Love, when it is about self, is actually not love at all and never liberates or sets free. So obviously I have been in 1 Corinthians this morning. As I was reading about the greatest gift, I began reading the chapter right before. The one that talks about the importance of each part of the body. The parts that seem to be the weakest are the most necessary. The parts that we automatically bestow less honor upon are the ones we should bestow even GREATER honor upon. And if one suffers, all the members suffer with it. And if one is honored, all the other members rejoice. There are different 'gifts' and different 'parts'. There are different so called 'callings' and different 'directions' and 'purpose' for each individual part, gift and life. Paul talks about this but says, "Earnestly desire the best gifts and YET I show you a more excellent way." And that way is love. The most honored and esteemed member of the body, if it can not love, suffer with, bear all things, act kind, forgive, go low, actually has nothing at all. Since when did it become about what someone can DO for ME? When did it become about what church has the greatest program for this or that? We have lived that way and been dictated by that way of 'love' for too long and will always be prone to that, I'm sure!!! But what if the members truly loved one another? What if we forgave one another? What if we went low and suffered long? What if we loved that 'member' and that 'gift' not because of what it could do for 'me'? I'm currently dreaming of the freedom that could bring for so many......when it becomes about YOU rather than ME.

Love

It's been way too long since I've posted something! My life is on steroids at the moment. Work, work, work. I don't have much to say other than why do we so suck at loving one another? Like really loving? The kind where it's hard and you have to surrender your own irritations, rights, or SELF. I have been feeling convicted over this all week. If He can love me when I'm so ridiculously unlovable.....and if He can manage not to JUDGE me but love me instead. He's quite amazing. I keep hearing, "And I ask you to do the same." To love one another. When it's ugly and hard. When you'd rather respond in irritation, which lately seems to be my ONLY response. I think, "I seriously suck at this!!!" My heart judges first. I'm irritated first. It's funny that an entire Kingdom built on the REALITY of love, not our made-up version of it, isn't practiced. Isn't thought about. Isn't taught. Yet it's the purpose OF that entire Kingdom. Oh Jesus. Help me.