My Well

I've been more aware of my emotions recently. The last several months I've gone in and out of dealing with the things Jesus has exposed and distracting myself in whatever way possible to avoid it. To avoid feeling mainly. Admitting you feel as empty as I have at times has been almost more painful than I would rather deal with. And so I distract. I go out. I watch a movie. I eat. I do whatever I need to do. But recently that hasn't been so easy. This 'thing' is coming a part bit by bit, piece by piece until I wonder if I'll just be a big pile of whatever on the floor!! Tonight, I was very aware. Actually, I've been very aware for about a week. Of the emptiness. But tonight was hard. And rather than choose to distract myself, I chose to feel it. To go there with Jesus. I had this picture of a well. Not filled with the fabulous water of life well. The kind that has been and is currently filled with four things: loneliness, emptiness, despair and hopelessness. As I started crying, thinking about my well I imagined it all springing up until it really IS completely empty. I desperately need it to be because I've lived with all of it for far too long. Longer than I've wanted to. I would rather it BE completely empty at this point than full with things that only cause me more pain. I guess sometimes emptiness isn't such a bad thing. And I trust Jesus to do whatever He wishes with my emptied well. Because I know He will. I trust Him because I know He loves me too much not to.

Jesus, the most understanding friend I will ever have.

I think one of the biggest things I have to come to know about Jesus in the last 5 months is that he is the most understanding friend I will ever have. He has not at any moment come at me with judgment. It has always been kindness, understanding, compassion, even when He has said things that 'burn' just a bit. On Christmas night, I was feeling sad about a particular situation and I wanted to tell myself to get over it. You see, I 'liked' this guy these last few months. In moments of reality about the situation, I know I only liked the attention and how it made me feel in the moment. But when I'm struggling with the emptiness or loneliness, it's hard to see 'reality'. So on Christmas night, I said to Jesus, 'I know it was never about ___'. I felt him interrupt me and say, 'It's ok that right now it is. This is YOUR current reality and if you're mad and sad then be mad and sad and let's deal with it together.' I love that He understands. He validates my current feelings. My choices around this guy came out of need but He still validates what I feel at any given moment. This morning I was thinking about the situation and just heard Him say, 'Let's take what was good from it and let it be something healing. You ARE seen.' And of course part of me wants to go, 'How can any of it be good if it came out of pain and need and crap?' But what I felt Him remind me of was that He always, ALWAYS, turns things for good and for healing and for His own redemptive purposes. If we let Him, He'll do that every time.

He is full of compassion and He really does understand. That's the kind of friend I want to continue to know and be as well. Because people desperately need to be understood and heard, not judged. Struggles are struggles and they are real. Pain is pain and it is real.

Done Fighting

I had an interesting day today. Found out this morning that a man died who I knew but didn't really personally know. As in, I'm sure he didn't necessarily know my name. He was a father of ten, eight of which were adopted. Several had disabilities that not many people would be willing to take on. I cried on and off thinking about how I don't understand why things happen and getting irritated with all of the religious 'answers' people throw out there when really most people's hearts and thoughts are screaming 'this sucks' and 'why'. It also seemed to bring me to this point of asking myself some questions. There's still been this part of me that is fighting this 'process' I currently find myself in. As in, I haven't fully surrendered yet or whatever. Let me explain. A few months ago the shit hit the fan and I've gone through this 'crisis of faith' as they call it. I've experienced Jesus. I know Him. But there were massive amounts of anger and resentment boiling underneath the surface. My own 'this sucks' and 'why' questions screaming unanswered. You see, they've been there for a long time, waiting to rear their ugly heads at just the opportune moment. And they have. But there's been part of me that's held onto them for dear life because of I let all of it go, where does that leave me? If I let go of every 'why' question what do I have left? Probably nothing. And that's also probably the point. They've been a shield, supposedly protecting me from everything bad. I think that's what anger does. We think it's our friend, keeping out the bad guys. But in reality, it kills you. Slowly. There's a place in my heart today that is saying to Jesus, 'Ok, I'm done. I'm done resisting You. I'm done fighting what You're asking of me. I'll say yes to You. And I'll say no to everything else.' Matt Kearney has a line in one of his songs that says, 'It's a long road baby running away'. And that's where I'm at. I'm exhausted from this long road of running and I'm giving in. Fully. Finally.

Loneliness

Today, I am aware of that empty, lonely feeling. It's been a huge part of my struggle the last several months. It's been the feeling that has driven my actions many times. It's a universal struggle and most people will do anything to avoid feeling it. I haven't been that bad (meaning I haven't been willing to do anything and everything) but I have managed to make some pretty screwy choices. I think it's a feeling that drives so many of our compulsions. The high of drugs, the drunkenness of alcohol, sex. I'm not entirely certain what you do with the feeling myself. Embrace it for what it is? Trust Jesus to meet you there and watch it fade? I'm not sure though that it ever fully goes away. Maybe it's not meant to be this horribly awful thing. Because I guess while it drives you to act in ways that lead you to further emptiness and loneliness, it can eventually drive you to something life-giving as well. So maybe in a weird way, right now it should become my friend rather than my enemy. Something I embrace feeling rather than avoid. Avoidance has gotten me nowhere at this point. So here's to embracing something most people, including myself, fear. I have no clue what will happen but I guess we'll see.

Being honest with yourself

Denial is a funny thing. Seeing the reality of your heart and all it's messiness/darkness is not as easy as being in denial about it. It's funny how you tell yourself and everyone else, "I really don't want that! I really don't!" But the reality is part of you does or else you wouldn't choose it. We're always wanting what we can't have it seems or wanting what we think satisfies us in the moment or we just plain want something out of selfishness and personal gratification. It's easier to give in than to say no. And so you give in. Until you get to the end of yourself maybe? Or you're tired of what the giving in leaves you feeling? I'm not sure. I just know that at some point you have to be honest with yourself. You have to look at yourself in the mirror and go, "Yeah, I'm kinda fucked up and messy and broken and that's the current reality and state of my heart but I don't want to ignore that fact anymore." I am currently a mess. I hope a mess that is being cleaned. It's funny what we sometimes find lying beneath the surface. The surface of performance, pretending to have it together, supposed happiness, etc. Sometimes there's a lot of gunk. And admitting the gunk is incredibly difficult to do. Jesus said to me earlier, "You put yourself in it now it's up to you to pull yourself out." There's only so much He can do until you begin making those small steps to pull yourself out of the mess you put yourself in. I hope I am beginning to do that. I hope I can really START doing that. Small choices. Small steps. Because it's then that He can work. His promises require a response from my heart. His promises require a practical response as well. So here's to a time of being honest with myself. I'll let you know how it goes.

Blogging because I need to

I decided to start a blog and not really tell people about it. Mainly because I need to. I've always loved to just write and get it all out on paper. Makes me feel better. At least sometimes :)

I'm a 25 year old girl who grew up a pastor's daughter, moved away from my hometown and now live in Kansas city with a bunch of people in a big house, which I happen to love (most of the time). I have a job, which I happen to love (most of the time). Mainly the people I work with. They are real, raw and honest. Sometimes REALLY honest. I love Jesus as much as I am able to and am learning to keep giving things up, letting things go and not live out of my needs, wants, demands, compulsions, etc. It's easier to just give in and THAT I am currently learning as well. But the after affects of giving in are never worth it. Yet sometimes we still do it. I think there's something about getting to the end of yourself. Living in the reality of the emptiness giving in brings that finally does the trick. And that's where I'm at. And that's why I'm blogging. I'm at the end of myself. I've felt the emptiness that giving in brings. I remember when I was 17 and I gave in a lot. I never thought that I would 're-live' those years but I did at 25 years of age. After 6 years of loving Jesus and going for it. I think that's part of what saved me this time around. My 're-living' of those years was thankfully short lived. I think in some ways I am starting over as well as starting for the first time. And I don't even know what that fully means! But here I go....