Being honest with yourself

Denial is a funny thing. Seeing the reality of your heart and all it's messiness/darkness is not as easy as being in denial about it. It's funny how you tell yourself and everyone else, "I really don't want that! I really don't!" But the reality is part of you does or else you wouldn't choose it. We're always wanting what we can't have it seems or wanting what we think satisfies us in the moment or we just plain want something out of selfishness and personal gratification. It's easier to give in than to say no. And so you give in. Until you get to the end of yourself maybe? Or you're tired of what the giving in leaves you feeling? I'm not sure. I just know that at some point you have to be honest with yourself. You have to look at yourself in the mirror and go, "Yeah, I'm kinda fucked up and messy and broken and that's the current reality and state of my heart but I don't want to ignore that fact anymore." I am currently a mess. I hope a mess that is being cleaned. It's funny what we sometimes find lying beneath the surface. The surface of performance, pretending to have it together, supposed happiness, etc. Sometimes there's a lot of gunk. And admitting the gunk is incredibly difficult to do. Jesus said to me earlier, "You put yourself in it now it's up to you to pull yourself out." There's only so much He can do until you begin making those small steps to pull yourself out of the mess you put yourself in. I hope I am beginning to do that. I hope I can really START doing that. Small choices. Small steps. Because it's then that He can work. His promises require a response from my heart. His promises require a practical response as well. So here's to a time of being honest with myself. I'll let you know how it goes.