Done Fighting

I had an interesting day today. Found out this morning that a man died who I knew but didn't really personally know. As in, I'm sure he didn't necessarily know my name. He was a father of ten, eight of which were adopted. Several had disabilities that not many people would be willing to take on. I cried on and off thinking about how I don't understand why things happen and getting irritated with all of the religious 'answers' people throw out there when really most people's hearts and thoughts are screaming 'this sucks' and 'why'. It also seemed to bring me to this point of asking myself some questions. There's still been this part of me that is fighting this 'process' I currently find myself in. As in, I haven't fully surrendered yet or whatever. Let me explain. A few months ago the shit hit the fan and I've gone through this 'crisis of faith' as they call it. I've experienced Jesus. I know Him. But there were massive amounts of anger and resentment boiling underneath the surface. My own 'this sucks' and 'why' questions screaming unanswered. You see, they've been there for a long time, waiting to rear their ugly heads at just the opportune moment. And they have. But there's been part of me that's held onto them for dear life because of I let all of it go, where does that leave me? If I let go of every 'why' question what do I have left? Probably nothing. And that's also probably the point. They've been a shield, supposedly protecting me from everything bad. I think that's what anger does. We think it's our friend, keeping out the bad guys. But in reality, it kills you. Slowly. There's a place in my heart today that is saying to Jesus, 'Ok, I'm done. I'm done resisting You. I'm done fighting what You're asking of me. I'll say yes to You. And I'll say no to everything else.' Matt Kearney has a line in one of his songs that says, 'It's a long road baby running away'. And that's where I'm at. I'm exhausted from this long road of running and I'm giving in. Fully. Finally.