My Well

I've been more aware of my emotions recently. The last several months I've gone in and out of dealing with the things Jesus has exposed and distracting myself in whatever way possible to avoid it. To avoid feeling mainly. Admitting you feel as empty as I have at times has been almost more painful than I would rather deal with. And so I distract. I go out. I watch a movie. I eat. I do whatever I need to do. But recently that hasn't been so easy. This 'thing' is coming a part bit by bit, piece by piece until I wonder if I'll just be a big pile of whatever on the floor!! Tonight, I was very aware. Actually, I've been very aware for about a week. Of the emptiness. But tonight was hard. And rather than choose to distract myself, I chose to feel it. To go there with Jesus. I had this picture of a well. Not filled with the fabulous water of life well. The kind that has been and is currently filled with four things: loneliness, emptiness, despair and hopelessness. As I started crying, thinking about my well I imagined it all springing up until it really IS completely empty. I desperately need it to be because I've lived with all of it for far too long. Longer than I've wanted to. I would rather it BE completely empty at this point than full with things that only cause me more pain. I guess sometimes emptiness isn't such a bad thing. And I trust Jesus to do whatever He wishes with my emptied well. Because I know He will. I trust Him because I know He loves me too much not to.