Some things I've learned....

I went away last weekend by myself and felt like Jesus told me to consolidate this last year. Bring together what He's taught me. What I've learned. This morning I'm realizing how much of it has been about a 'forming' of my heart and character. Growing into who He has made me to be. So many things in my heart in this last year were exposed. Nasty things. Weak places. Fearful places. Wrong beliefs. Because He makes you stronger by making you aware of your weakness. He brings you into greater love by showing you your places of fear. Your character becomes stronger when you see your sin. I use to be scared of these vulnerable places. Of seeing these things inside me. It's not scary anymore. When He shows them to me...I actually find myself incredibly grateful. Because it means greater freedom. Greater strength. It means that He loves me enough to show me and then make a way out of it for me.

And I think so many people live and move and breath inside their crap never finding a way out of it. Because they ARE too afraid to see it. And sadly, the people around us aren't very accepting and loving enough to allow you TO see it. Staying inside of it becomes safer. It makes Jesus incredibly sad I think.....

So my challenge is this: Be brave enough to allow Jesus to show you your ugliness and let it become a place of worship and excitement. And let's be people that accept and love one another in all of our ugliness, making a way for one another to actually come out of it rather than stay buried underneath it. Because I guarantee....your ugliness is just as ugly as theirs is.

Disappointment

What do you do with it? I'm not entirely sure. It doesn't seem to go away in a moment or even days. It's kind of an exhausting emotion. Sometimes it means you've hoped, risked and opened yourself up and then nothing. You're left with this overwhelming feeling. I don't actually know what the balance is between wanting things and that being ok. Between trust in a Father who is absolutely good, which doesn't mean you get anything you hope for. It's a weird tension I'm struggling not to simply shut down within. I don't know why you risk? What do you hope for and in? I think I haven't had good wisdom or teaching on this subject in the past. Or even decent encouragement into bigger things. Dreams. Whatever. This almost needs to turn into a prayer for me. A prayer for help. I don't know how. I don't know why. But I just know I'm confused and struggling and don't understand and I need Your peace. More than anything I need Your peace. And an answer on what do you do with disappointment?

Things

It's funny how Jesus speaks to us. When we let Him, He makes things so clear. I apparently have this closed door. Locked and bolted! Someone is currently trying to break off the lock with a lead pipe. And it really has so much more to do with hope than anything else. So many shadows locked away behind that door. So many fears. So many insecurities. And probably so many hopes. So many dreams. Locked away. And the door has been shut and secure for so long. It's painful when someone begins to break the door down. When you're protected self no longer feels protected. Instead feels really vulnerable and unsure of whether or not you really even want that door opened in the first place. But He has promised me life. And He is kneading out the insecurities and fears in order that I would (as He told me tonight) "Really rise Ashley." He has promised me that my heart would not get trashed this time. That I'm to hope in Him and not man. That I'm to come out in confidence and security because of His love for me. So many things going on inside of me. So many good and scary things. I'm terrified. Hope is kind of a painful thing. It's kind of scary. Stepping out is always scary.

Fear and Love.

In the last few weeks I've come to believe that fear is at the root of most things. Most issues. Most selfishness. MOST THINGS! Sharing from experience, it's the most overwhelming emotion I have felt at times. Fear of rejection. Fear of being alone. Fear of the future. Fear of death. Fear, fear, fear. It's everywhere. And the truth is, often fear is justified. People are dangerous. They betray. They hurt. They abandon. They are more dangerous than any man-eating animal you might come across. In my opinion! Mostly because most of us don't know the first thing about what it means to actually love one another. We're selfish. We're demanding. We live in a dream world. We are controlled by rights and entitlement. I deserve this. Give me that. I want it. NOW. And what's worse, religion super spiritualizes and justifies ACTION that is FEAR based over and OVER again and calls it love. WHAT THE HECK?

One of MY biggest fears: rejection. I've actually been rejected many times in my life. It's been quite the reality for me. When I sense it, when I perceive it, I immediately go into fear. And then suddenly I find that everything else feels scary too and all at once I'm paralyzed in more than just one area. My way of controlling that: going in, shutting down. In my mind, where fear torments, shutting down and going in seems safer. Yet it isn't. There isn't freedom in fear EVER. It is torment. AND, it is so incredibly self focused. Action that is fear based is typically at the expense and hurt of someone else. I don't actually completely know the solution to this either. Because the truth, again, is that people ARE dangerous. We don't love the way we should. We've been studying John the last few weeks and last Thursday I started reading the part where Jesus tells the disciples that they will all abandon him. The friends that he has walked with, taught, loved, given Himself freely to, will leave Him in the most horrific point of His life. And He says to them, "Yet I am not alone. The Father is with me." Maybe that is part of the answer. Because everything we fear, often turns into reality. Often happens. People will reject you. People will betray you. We're all capable of it. So what is the grace that allows you to keep your heart open? His love which isn't really made up of concrete things all the time. It just is what it is. I find myself wanting to ask 'why' a lot. Why do you love me? What does it look like? And He keeps saying to me, "You want to know why when there is no why. It just is, what it is. I just love you."

And Jesus, also loved His friends completely and totally even in the face of abandonment. He washed their feet. He warned them that they would leave Him. And He welcomed them back after they did what He said they would do. He LOVED. And He loved at the expense of His own human needs. Because Jesus was human. And He trusted the Father. Had confidence in Him and His love for Him. Maybe that's our grace to keep our hearts open? His love for us. The Father is not fickle with His love the way we are. It isn't present at one given moment and withdrawn the next. It is constant. And I have even feel it stronger when I'm in places of fear and pain. He doesn't withdraw it in the moments when it would 'justified' to do so. He displays it even more.

Love. When it's real.

I've been spending time reading and praying this morning. Feeling convicted by my own selfishness and inability to love. Jesus and his love is so incredibly beyond us sometimes yet lo and behold, He asks this of us. His love and the expression of it was and is the epitome of selflessness. For love, in its truest, greatest form is free of self. It "suffers long and bears all things" and in the midst of suffering long and bearing with, it is KIND. I have experienced this love from Him. I have experienced this love from people in my life and it has set me FREE and liberated my heart. Love, when it is about self, is actually not love at all and never liberates or sets free. So obviously I have been in 1 Corinthians this morning. As I was reading about the greatest gift, I began reading the chapter right before. The one that talks about the importance of each part of the body. The parts that seem to be the weakest are the most necessary. The parts that we automatically bestow less honor upon are the ones we should bestow even GREATER honor upon. And if one suffers, all the members suffer with it. And if one is honored, all the other members rejoice. There are different 'gifts' and different 'parts'. There are different so called 'callings' and different 'directions' and 'purpose' for each individual part, gift and life. Paul talks about this but says, "Earnestly desire the best gifts and YET I show you a more excellent way." And that way is love. The most honored and esteemed member of the body, if it can not love, suffer with, bear all things, act kind, forgive, go low, actually has nothing at all. Since when did it become about what someone can DO for ME? When did it become about what church has the greatest program for this or that? We have lived that way and been dictated by that way of 'love' for too long and will always be prone to that, I'm sure!!! But what if the members truly loved one another? What if we forgave one another? What if we went low and suffered long? What if we loved that 'member' and that 'gift' not because of what it could do for 'me'? I'm currently dreaming of the freedom that could bring for so many......when it becomes about YOU rather than ME.

Love

It's been way too long since I've posted something! My life is on steroids at the moment. Work, work, work. I don't have much to say other than why do we so suck at loving one another? Like really loving? The kind where it's hard and you have to surrender your own irritations, rights, or SELF. I have been feeling convicted over this all week. If He can love me when I'm so ridiculously unlovable.....and if He can manage not to JUDGE me but love me instead. He's quite amazing. I keep hearing, "And I ask you to do the same." To love one another. When it's ugly and hard. When you'd rather respond in irritation, which lately seems to be my ONLY response. I think, "I seriously suck at this!!!" My heart judges first. I'm irritated first. It's funny that an entire Kingdom built on the REALITY of love, not our made-up version of it, isn't practiced. Isn't thought about. Isn't taught. Yet it's the purpose OF that entire Kingdom. Oh Jesus. Help me.

Up late!

I can't believe I'm still awake. This so rarely happens to me......
I was playing the piano tonight and kept singing this same line over and over again. There's a war within my heart. I moved on from there but then I'm laying in bed at 11:30 and it won't get out so I turn on my light and start writing and now here I am blogging at midnight. I think I might write a song!

There's a war within my heart
I feel the pull from every side
Screaming for my affections
Demanding my attention
Sometimes I wonder who will win

In the midst of this war
I hear a voice that seems louder than the rest
Screaming for my affections
Demanding my attention
And I realize.....this voice belongs to me
I wonder who will win

Suddenly I feel an old familiar touch
That somehow feels so new
And an old familiar love
That seems to be breaking through
And a voice, louder than mine could ever be
If I let it be....
And I wonder who will win
His voice, or mine

Rough draft mind you. But wow. It's funny when you realize the voice that's SCREAMING for the 'affections' and the 'attention' is your own. Our biggest battle: ourselves. Our biggest struggle: our hearts and its affections pulling with every beat. Over a period of 5 months, I wondered who would win. His voice or my own. Of course, I didn't realize it was my own until I was a few months into it. I didn't realize I was my OWN worst enemy. Heart, you deceived me! lol. Sometimes we wonder who will win. But He indeed has a voice louder than ours could ever be.......yet we have to let it be. Thank you Jesus I seem to be letting it be! For now. I'm sure the next place of a resistance will be a doozy! lol

Our struggle

Jesus said to me a few months ago, "Ashley, your struggle is not with Me. Your struggle is with your own heart." A couple months later I was reading 2 Corinthians and Paul is talking to them about holiness and being set apart and he says to them at one point, "You are not restricted by us, but you are restricted by your own affections." Exactly the same thing Jesus had spoken to me, eh? I remember laughing but the last few weeks I am SO aware of how our hearts can be our own worst enemy. It's not as funny when you're struggling! lol. When Jesus said that to me a few months back, it broke some kind of angry entitlement I thought I had the right to. He doesn't owe me anything, He already gave everything. I wasn't wrestling with Him. I was pissed off because my heart was in this 'demand' place and He wasn't giving in to it. The way I thought He should that is. The demands in our hearts, often masked or spiritualized to be something else, can be strong driving forces. They restrict us far more than He does. Which is what Paul was saying to the Corinthians. Funny huh? We, ourselves, stay in these restricted places. He doesn't keep us in them because He refuses to give us what we want, when we want it, how we want it. We stay in them because we are refusing to surrender to Him and give up our 'childish ways'. So here I am, struggling. It is different this time around. I'm weak, aware of my inability and my lack and everything else and somehow I think that's a beautiful place to be. My need isn't demanding Him to meet it. In whatever way I think He should. It just is what it is. It's there. And I'm weak. And I'm tempted to go outside of Him to meet it. And He knows that and yet He isn't disillusioned by me. He is exposing my weakness and inability with the intention of continuing this process in my heart and completing it. And He is meeting me the way He knows He should and the way He knows I need it. And in all of that, I'm attempting to give up my childish ways and trust Him. And He knows that.

Pray, lest you enter into temptation

This verse has been playing over and over again in my head for the last few days. I've had a little bit of an up and down week. Struggling through some things and realizing how fragile I am sometimes. How easily shaken I can be. It's amazing how easily we bend and over things that seem so small. It's amazing too how easily we find ourselves craving old comforts. I guess that's where this verse comes in and there's definitely something Jesus is trying to teach me in it. Every time I've felt overwhelmed, lonely, scared, unsure or unstable this last week I hear, "Pray, lest you enter into temptation." Jesus knew how weak the disciples were that night of his betrayal. He knew what was to come for them. Peter would deny him. They would all scatter like sheep. He knew their frames. He knew how much they needed the Father's strength on which to draw upon and He continued to prod them.....to pray. To draw upon the Father in their weakness. Even as He was doing that night during His own prayer in the garden. It's not an easy thing to do. When other emotions, wants and draws within your heart are fighting for the same attention. So Jesus, keep teaching me to pray. To come to that place with you, in the midst of my weakness, and find the only strength that's worth anything at all anyways.

Authentic Love

I have come into this incredible new place and it feels amazing. I'm forever being changed, exposed, renewed, etc. but it's for the purpose of breaking into something new and fresh and freeing. I love that. And that has happened for me recently. In my darkest moments, Jesus was there. And the thing that gets me the most is that He was KIND!!!!!! And He was PATIENT!!!!! And He LOVED me!!!!! Like no one else could, would, did or would ever really want to. Had He not been those things and I had not experienced that place in Him, I'm not sure what would have happened. But the things is, that's who He is. That's how He is. That's how He responds. That's how He wins the heart. It's His kindness that draws. It's His love that wins. His love that is full of sacrifice. On the other side of this, I'm processing something that is hard for me and I feel myself getting fearful and slightly edgy and this morning He spoke to my heart and said, "You are not bound by expectations or demands. I'm not demanding you be somewhere that you're not." His kind of love frees the soul. From performance, from expectation, from control, from fear. I love His love. I don't think we live in it or out of it the way we should. It's part of our sin nature to love with love that is full of demand and self. And He meets and wins the heart with a love that is completely opposite from ours. And then He teaches us to live IN it and love others OUT of it. Because it doesn't end with me. So my prayer for myself and the the others around me is that we would live in the most authentic, freeing kind of love there is. His. And love with THAT kind of love and watch what happens.

A better way

Last night I was cooking dinner and asking Jesus different things. In light of these last 5 months one of my main questions has been, "Why didn't you just make it to where people did whatever they want when they want it because it seems we do that anyways." His response was, "So you could experience love in its truest, highest form. My way is life." Because loving someone, loving Jesus is about the sacrifice of self. The sacrifice of wants, of brokenness, of anger and demand. We have an entire culture that is built on doing what we want, when we want and many times at the expense of someone else. I have been the queen of that recently. Out of my own anger, my own 'give me what I want, when I want it' heart. And all of the decisions I have made out of that place have been at the expense of someone else. Whether it was a guy I really didn't like, I simply used toward my own benefit. The people I live with who prayed, cared and loved. And most of all, at the expense of Jesus who gave everything so that I might choose a different and better way. It's scary how dark my heart can be. It's scary how low I can go. It's scary how selfishly motivated I am and I have justified it all because of my own 'hurt and pain'. And here is Jesus whose entire Kingdom is set-up completely opposite from ours. It's about making choices and decisions at the benefit of the other. As He did. And the motivation of His heart was love and a desire for something better and greater....for someone else. For me. For you.

The letting go process is being redefined for me

I have been thinking about what it means to let go of something. Surrender something. I'm struggling through a lot of fear. Mainly fear around the future and not having purpose. Yesterday morning before work I was feeling overwhelmed by it and said to Jesus, "I let it go." In a way that expected this immediate relief. Almost as if I could control it, let it go, move on, and be done and then I'm frustrated that it doesn't work that way. I'm frustrated with myself. I felt like He stopped me and said that's not how it works, "It's about standing in the midst of that fear, the reality of it, and trusting Me." THAT is letting go of it. I think I've had a misconstrued idea of what it means to surrender something to Jesus. For instance, things that I want and dream of that are not bad. It's not about KILLING all of those things by 'surrendering' them. Like letting go of fear, need, anger, etc. It's more like not allowing them to drive you. To drive your actions or emotions. It's looking at the fear saying, yep, you're there, you're real but I trust Jesus and my trust in HIM is more real than what the fear feels like. Eventually :) So yes, what I'm feeling is real but it doesn't have to take me down or paralyze me. The things that I want are real but they don't have to frustrate me. Hmmmmm......more to come.

Just where I'm at

It's a very strange and unstable feeling to not completely know who you are or where you're going. To know that what you thought about yourself or even where you thought you were going has been stripped completely. That's how I feel today. And I feel a bit lost to be honest. Jesus said to me, "It makes you want to cling to anything that makes sense. But Ash, I am the only thing that makes sense. Hold onto me and trust." Easier said than done. My heart is a swirl of emotions at the moment. Fear. Anxiety. Grief. And it's funny to know that this process, this crash, needed to happen. The stripping away needed to happen and it's not bad, it's good. It doesn't FEEL very good though. It FEELS very scary. It's funny what He calls and sees as good. He also said to me, "You can move out of this very vulnerable place or you can hold onto Me in it and trust My love for you." So Jesus, here I am. Choosing to trust You when I feel quite scared actually. Choosing to believe what You say is true. Choosing to hold on with whatever I have within me which doesn't feel like much. But it has to be. Right now, it has to be.

My night

I'm just sitting here in bed. Talking out loud to Jesus (cracking myself up). He's my friend now. He's just here with me. Plain and simple. I love it. Laughing even as I type this. I was pondering over the last few months. Thinking how crappy/wonderful/weird/random they have been and Jesus says to me, "I'm so proud of you. You are so brave." There are times when I can receive what He says freely but tonight I'm like HOW can you be proud of me? HOW am I brave? And His response was amazing....."Because you still cried out to me even in your darkest moments." I believe wholeheartedly, THAT saved me. The still managing to cry out to Him. To come back to Him after I had royally SCREWED up. It's the moment you shut Him out of the process and quit communicating with Him that you're in trouble. There's a saving grace about at least part of your heart remaining soft and open to Him. It's the hardening that is scary. The, "I will do what I want, when I want to" and you slowly shut Him out until you've officially shut Him out completely. So I still cried out. And He's proud of me. I love that about Jesus. He says things differently than I do. Is he ecstatic about the choices I made? No. But He still said I was brave. Amazing. And as I processed this we started talking about the Father. I don't know why but the Father scares me just a little. That is a whole other story that I will save for another time. But He says, "He's not like your dad, ash. And it's time you met Him." Can we say cry fest January 14th, 2010? Looks like I'm gonna meet my dad for the very REAL first time. What does that mean I wonder? :)

I have a friend who gets me

His name is Jesus. I don't even think that sounds corny. It's just simply the truth. I was driving to the bank today, aware that I was feeling a little sad and I felt Him say, "What is it, Ash?" My relationship with Him has changed and shifted in the last few months and it's not been through what I expected it to be. LOL! But I love that. It was through some of the darkest moments of my life thus far. Along with some really bad choices. So He asked me what was wrong and I told Him and I felt understood, heard, listened to with the utmost patience and kindness. Not judged. And He didn't try to 'fix it' for me right then. It was just enough to get it out and let it be what it was for that moment. And I moved on. I let go of a particular situation/person I've been struggling to let go of just a little bit more. Knowing that the emptiness and loneliness I've felt is dissipating as I do. The loveliest part about this whole thing is that I FEEL Him with me. I hear Him. I sense Him in a way I never have before. He is the friend who gets me better than anyone else ever has or will. Who knows the secrets of my heart and understands them even more than I do. Right now, it doesn't even matter that I can't tangibly feel Him. He is more present with me than anyone else I can physically touch or see. And I trust Him. I trust Him to lead me through this process. To bring my heart through to the other side. Because He is.

Trust the Father and the dark will lose its terrors

I was reading my simply surrender book this morning and the little journal entry was perfect for where I'm at and what I'm feeling today.

When everything looks black, it is indeed a heavy cross.
But you are not always to blame when this happens.
Do everything to detach yourself from passing cares and then rest assured that your Father will do the rest. He will not allow you to fall into the abyss.
Be of good courage. Do not be afraid of your little failures.
It is folly to pass your time on earth fretting over little things that you cannot change.
Instead rest in the arms of your Father.
Do not be afraid of the dark nor complain that you cannot see him who carries you in his arms.
Trust. The dark will lose its terrors and before long, peace, even joy, will return once more.
Do not be afraid to tell Jesus that you love him, even when you do not actually feel that love.
In this way you will compel him to come to you, and carry you, like the child you will always be,
too weak to walk on your own.

He is good and He is faithful. In this place where everything looks black to me at the moment, I am aware of His presence. I love the line that says "nor complain that you cannot see him who carries you in his arms. Trust." And as you trust, the dark loses its terrors.

Working for me and not against me

I've had an interesting week. Struggling to let go of something (in this case someone) that has been willing to give me what I've only 'thought' I wanted. The other night I was reading this book called 'Angry Conversations With God' and started addressing the anger I was feeling MYSELF over thinking it was somehow God's fault that I couldn't have what I wanted and then I suddenly realized He ALWAYS leaves it up to me. It was and is my choice. As I heard myself ask the 'Why?' question I heard Him say, "I never, ever withhold what is GOOD Ashley. In whatever form it comes in, hard or easy. It's My protection not to always give you what you think you want or tell you that it's ok to have it." It's not as if He's currently trying to deprive me of something. I think He's actually trying to GIVE me something if I will let go of my way of getting it and choose His way of giving it. It's funny how we go into blame mode. He will always grant us the freedom of choice. My struggle has been with my own heart and not wanting to do what is right or give up what I want. It's not been because He won't allow it. He simply lays out the better option before us and leaves us to the decision. Friday morning during our house prayer time we were reading out of 2 Corinthians 4 where it talks about our light affliction working something in us. This current struggle is my 'momentary light affliction' that I've not wanted to fully embrace up until this point. I've wanted to take what is seen and right in front of me rather than surrender, wait and trust what He will give, which is far more real and satisfying anyways. We were talking about perspective, which was funny because just last week Jesus asked me if He could give me new eyes with which to view my current circumstance/situation. My light affliction is not my enemy. It isn't working against me. It's actually working for me. This person that I haven't wanted to let go of is actually a gift. This struggle is a test of my character and has exposed all sorts of nastiness in my heart. And Jesus, I need grace to keep letting go.

Logic sometimes doesn't work

Do you ever feel like you're just going crazy? Or a part of you is going crazy? That's how I currently feel. Like the Ashley I knew 8 months ago has disappeared or gone into hiding and as I was thinking about some stuff this morning, I felt Jesus say, "Stop trying to figure it out. This isn't one of those things you can figure out logically." I think I've spent my life doing that. Part of me in my head and part of me in my heart. I want all of it to make sense, ya know? I want the past 6 months to make more sense. I would love for my emotions to sort themselves out and to feel like I'm not losing my mind every few days. Ha! Sometimes what we want and/or feel isn't logical or rational whatsoever. It doesn't make sense and so when you try to apply logic to it, it doesn't work. It just makes everything more confusing. I don't have an answer for what you do with it either. I asked that question directly after I heard Him say that and His response was, "What do you want to do?" And my answer is that I have no clue at this moment. All I know is that logic sometimes doesn't work.

My current question

The question I'm currently asking myself is, "How do you stand empty?" What does it look like? To allow the emptying and to be ok with it? To be ok with how it feels and the emotions it brings up? To not act out of a place of need? Some of what I've felt the last several months has scared me. Choices I've contemplated that are completely irrational and illogical. It's scary what need, loneliness and emptiness will cause you to consider. Those emotions and/or realities play quite the war on someone's heart and it is indeed quite the war in my heart at the moment. My emotions have felt pulled in so many different directions recently that I feel incredibly overwhelmed at times and I wonder if I'm losing my mind. Lol, maybe I am slightly? So how do you stand empty and be ok with it? How do you completely trust Jesus to meet you there when the need screams so much louder at times? I guess it really does come down to choice. Choosing what is right. And what is right is sometimes so much harder in the beginning. I think too, I've been expecting more of myself in this process than Jesus does. I'm pretty sure I do that WAY too often. I have made mistakes and I will continue to. But perhaps I need to remember it's about the small steps and choices. I don't have it figured out. I don't know how to stand completely empty and be ok with it and maybe that process takes time like everything else. I'm pretty sure you don't realize emptiness as a reality of your heart and are simply ok with it and accept it. Lol. Who does? Maybe I just answered some of my own questions :)