My night

I'm just sitting here in bed. Talking out loud to Jesus (cracking myself up). He's my friend now. He's just here with me. Plain and simple. I love it. Laughing even as I type this. I was pondering over the last few months. Thinking how crappy/wonderful/weird/random they have been and Jesus says to me, "I'm so proud of you. You are so brave." There are times when I can receive what He says freely but tonight I'm like HOW can you be proud of me? HOW am I brave? And His response was amazing....."Because you still cried out to me even in your darkest moments." I believe wholeheartedly, THAT saved me. The still managing to cry out to Him. To come back to Him after I had royally SCREWED up. It's the moment you shut Him out of the process and quit communicating with Him that you're in trouble. There's a saving grace about at least part of your heart remaining soft and open to Him. It's the hardening that is scary. The, "I will do what I want, when I want to" and you slowly shut Him out until you've officially shut Him out completely. So I still cried out. And He's proud of me. I love that about Jesus. He says things differently than I do. Is he ecstatic about the choices I made? No. But He still said I was brave. Amazing. And as I processed this we started talking about the Father. I don't know why but the Father scares me just a little. That is a whole other story that I will save for another time. But He says, "He's not like your dad, ash. And it's time you met Him." Can we say cry fest January 14th, 2010? Looks like I'm gonna meet my dad for the very REAL first time. What does that mean I wonder? :)