Up late!

I can't believe I'm still awake. This so rarely happens to me......
I was playing the piano tonight and kept singing this same line over and over again. There's a war within my heart. I moved on from there but then I'm laying in bed at 11:30 and it won't get out so I turn on my light and start writing and now here I am blogging at midnight. I think I might write a song!

There's a war within my heart
I feel the pull from every side
Screaming for my affections
Demanding my attention
Sometimes I wonder who will win

In the midst of this war
I hear a voice that seems louder than the rest
Screaming for my affections
Demanding my attention
And I realize.....this voice belongs to me
I wonder who will win

Suddenly I feel an old familiar touch
That somehow feels so new
And an old familiar love
That seems to be breaking through
And a voice, louder than mine could ever be
If I let it be....
And I wonder who will win
His voice, or mine

Rough draft mind you. But wow. It's funny when you realize the voice that's SCREAMING for the 'affections' and the 'attention' is your own. Our biggest battle: ourselves. Our biggest struggle: our hearts and its affections pulling with every beat. Over a period of 5 months, I wondered who would win. His voice or my own. Of course, I didn't realize it was my own until I was a few months into it. I didn't realize I was my OWN worst enemy. Heart, you deceived me! lol. Sometimes we wonder who will win. But He indeed has a voice louder than ours could ever be.......yet we have to let it be. Thank you Jesus I seem to be letting it be! For now. I'm sure the next place of a resistance will be a doozy! lol

Our struggle

Jesus said to me a few months ago, "Ashley, your struggle is not with Me. Your struggle is with your own heart." A couple months later I was reading 2 Corinthians and Paul is talking to them about holiness and being set apart and he says to them at one point, "You are not restricted by us, but you are restricted by your own affections." Exactly the same thing Jesus had spoken to me, eh? I remember laughing but the last few weeks I am SO aware of how our hearts can be our own worst enemy. It's not as funny when you're struggling! lol. When Jesus said that to me a few months back, it broke some kind of angry entitlement I thought I had the right to. He doesn't owe me anything, He already gave everything. I wasn't wrestling with Him. I was pissed off because my heart was in this 'demand' place and He wasn't giving in to it. The way I thought He should that is. The demands in our hearts, often masked or spiritualized to be something else, can be strong driving forces. They restrict us far more than He does. Which is what Paul was saying to the Corinthians. Funny huh? We, ourselves, stay in these restricted places. He doesn't keep us in them because He refuses to give us what we want, when we want it, how we want it. We stay in them because we are refusing to surrender to Him and give up our 'childish ways'. So here I am, struggling. It is different this time around. I'm weak, aware of my inability and my lack and everything else and somehow I think that's a beautiful place to be. My need isn't demanding Him to meet it. In whatever way I think He should. It just is what it is. It's there. And I'm weak. And I'm tempted to go outside of Him to meet it. And He knows that and yet He isn't disillusioned by me. He is exposing my weakness and inability with the intention of continuing this process in my heart and completing it. And He is meeting me the way He knows He should and the way He knows I need it. And in all of that, I'm attempting to give up my childish ways and trust Him. And He knows that.

Pray, lest you enter into temptation

This verse has been playing over and over again in my head for the last few days. I've had a little bit of an up and down week. Struggling through some things and realizing how fragile I am sometimes. How easily shaken I can be. It's amazing how easily we bend and over things that seem so small. It's amazing too how easily we find ourselves craving old comforts. I guess that's where this verse comes in and there's definitely something Jesus is trying to teach me in it. Every time I've felt overwhelmed, lonely, scared, unsure or unstable this last week I hear, "Pray, lest you enter into temptation." Jesus knew how weak the disciples were that night of his betrayal. He knew what was to come for them. Peter would deny him. They would all scatter like sheep. He knew their frames. He knew how much they needed the Father's strength on which to draw upon and He continued to prod them.....to pray. To draw upon the Father in their weakness. Even as He was doing that night during His own prayer in the garden. It's not an easy thing to do. When other emotions, wants and draws within your heart are fighting for the same attention. So Jesus, keep teaching me to pray. To come to that place with you, in the midst of my weakness, and find the only strength that's worth anything at all anyways.