Monday, June 28, 2010
Things
It's funny how Jesus speaks to us. When we let Him, He makes things so clear. I apparently have this closed door. Locked and bolted! Someone is currently trying to break off the lock with a lead pipe. And it really has so much more to do with hope than anything else. So many shadows locked away behind that door. So many fears. So many insecurities. And probably so many hopes. So many dreams. Locked away. And the door has been shut and secure for so long. It's painful when someone begins to break the door down. When you're protected self no longer feels protected. Instead feels really vulnerable and unsure of whether or not you really even want that door opened in the first place. But He has promised me life. And He is kneading out the insecurities and fears in order that I would (as He told me tonight) "Really rise Ashley." He has promised me that my heart would not get trashed this time. That I'm to hope in Him and not man. That I'm to come out in confidence and security because of His love for me. So many things going on inside of me. So many good and scary things. I'm terrified. Hope is kind of a painful thing. It's kind of scary. Stepping out is always scary.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Fear and Love.
In the last few weeks I've come to believe that fear is at the root of most things. Most issues. Most selfishness. MOST THINGS! Sharing from experience, it's the most overwhelming emotion I have felt at times. Fear of rejection. Fear of being alone. Fear of the future. Fear of death. Fear, fear, fear. It's everywhere. And the truth is, often fear is justified. People are dangerous. They betray. They hurt. They abandon. They are more dangerous than any man-eating animal you might come across. In my opinion! Mostly because most of us don't know the first thing about what it means to actually love one another. We're selfish. We're demanding. We live in a dream world. We are controlled by rights and entitlement. I deserve this. Give me that. I want it. NOW. And what's worse, religion super spiritualizes and justifies ACTION that is FEAR based over and OVER again and calls it love. WHAT THE HECK?
One of MY biggest fears: rejection. I've actually been rejected many times in my life. It's been quite the reality for me. When I sense it, when I perceive it, I immediately go into fear. And then suddenly I find that everything else feels scary too and all at once I'm paralyzed in more than just one area. My way of controlling that: going in, shutting down. In my mind, where fear torments, shutting down and going in seems safer. Yet it isn't. There isn't freedom in fear EVER. It is torment. AND, it is so incredibly self focused. Action that is fear based is typically at the expense and hurt of someone else. I don't actually completely know the solution to this either. Because the truth, again, is that people ARE dangerous. We don't love the way we should. We've been studying John the last few weeks and last Thursday I started reading the part where Jesus tells the disciples that they will all abandon him. The friends that he has walked with, taught, loved, given Himself freely to, will leave Him in the most horrific point of His life. And He says to them, "Yet I am not alone. The Father is with me." Maybe that is part of the answer. Because everything we fear, often turns into reality. Often happens. People will reject you. People will betray you. We're all capable of it. So what is the grace that allows you to keep your heart open? His love which isn't really made up of concrete things all the time. It just is what it is. I find myself wanting to ask 'why' a lot. Why do you love me? What does it look like? And He keeps saying to me, "You want to know why when there is no why. It just is, what it is. I just love you."
And Jesus, also loved His friends completely and totally even in the face of abandonment. He washed their feet. He warned them that they would leave Him. And He welcomed them back after they did what He said they would do. He LOVED. And He loved at the expense of His own human needs. Because Jesus was human. And He trusted the Father. Had confidence in Him and His love for Him. Maybe that's our grace to keep our hearts open? His love for us. The Father is not fickle with His love the way we are. It isn't present at one given moment and withdrawn the next. It is constant. And I have even feel it stronger when I'm in places of fear and pain. He doesn't withdraw it in the moments when it would 'justified' to do so. He displays it even more.
One of MY biggest fears: rejection. I've actually been rejected many times in my life. It's been quite the reality for me. When I sense it, when I perceive it, I immediately go into fear. And then suddenly I find that everything else feels scary too and all at once I'm paralyzed in more than just one area. My way of controlling that: going in, shutting down. In my mind, where fear torments, shutting down and going in seems safer. Yet it isn't. There isn't freedom in fear EVER. It is torment. AND, it is so incredibly self focused. Action that is fear based is typically at the expense and hurt of someone else. I don't actually completely know the solution to this either. Because the truth, again, is that people ARE dangerous. We don't love the way we should. We've been studying John the last few weeks and last Thursday I started reading the part where Jesus tells the disciples that they will all abandon him. The friends that he has walked with, taught, loved, given Himself freely to, will leave Him in the most horrific point of His life. And He says to them, "Yet I am not alone. The Father is with me." Maybe that is part of the answer. Because everything we fear, often turns into reality. Often happens. People will reject you. People will betray you. We're all capable of it. So what is the grace that allows you to keep your heart open? His love which isn't really made up of concrete things all the time. It just is what it is. I find myself wanting to ask 'why' a lot. Why do you love me? What does it look like? And He keeps saying to me, "You want to know why when there is no why. It just is, what it is. I just love you."
And Jesus, also loved His friends completely and totally even in the face of abandonment. He washed their feet. He warned them that they would leave Him. And He welcomed them back after they did what He said they would do. He LOVED. And He loved at the expense of His own human needs. Because Jesus was human. And He trusted the Father. Had confidence in Him and His love for Him. Maybe that's our grace to keep our hearts open? His love for us. The Father is not fickle with His love the way we are. It isn't present at one given moment and withdrawn the next. It is constant. And I have even feel it stronger when I'm in places of fear and pain. He doesn't withdraw it in the moments when it would 'justified' to do so. He displays it even more.
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