The letting go process is being redefined for me

I have been thinking about what it means to let go of something. Surrender something. I'm struggling through a lot of fear. Mainly fear around the future and not having purpose. Yesterday morning before work I was feeling overwhelmed by it and said to Jesus, "I let it go." In a way that expected this immediate relief. Almost as if I could control it, let it go, move on, and be done and then I'm frustrated that it doesn't work that way. I'm frustrated with myself. I felt like He stopped me and said that's not how it works, "It's about standing in the midst of that fear, the reality of it, and trusting Me." THAT is letting go of it. I think I've had a misconstrued idea of what it means to surrender something to Jesus. For instance, things that I want and dream of that are not bad. It's not about KILLING all of those things by 'surrendering' them. Like letting go of fear, need, anger, etc. It's more like not allowing them to drive you. To drive your actions or emotions. It's looking at the fear saying, yep, you're there, you're real but I trust Jesus and my trust in HIM is more real than what the fear feels like. Eventually :) So yes, what I'm feeling is real but it doesn't have to take me down or paralyze me. The things that I want are real but they don't have to frustrate me. Hmmmmm......more to come.

Just where I'm at

It's a very strange and unstable feeling to not completely know who you are or where you're going. To know that what you thought about yourself or even where you thought you were going has been stripped completely. That's how I feel today. And I feel a bit lost to be honest. Jesus said to me, "It makes you want to cling to anything that makes sense. But Ash, I am the only thing that makes sense. Hold onto me and trust." Easier said than done. My heart is a swirl of emotions at the moment. Fear. Anxiety. Grief. And it's funny to know that this process, this crash, needed to happen. The stripping away needed to happen and it's not bad, it's good. It doesn't FEEL very good though. It FEELS very scary. It's funny what He calls and sees as good. He also said to me, "You can move out of this very vulnerable place or you can hold onto Me in it and trust My love for you." So Jesus, here I am. Choosing to trust You when I feel quite scared actually. Choosing to believe what You say is true. Choosing to hold on with whatever I have within me which doesn't feel like much. But it has to be. Right now, it has to be.

My night

I'm just sitting here in bed. Talking out loud to Jesus (cracking myself up). He's my friend now. He's just here with me. Plain and simple. I love it. Laughing even as I type this. I was pondering over the last few months. Thinking how crappy/wonderful/weird/random they have been and Jesus says to me, "I'm so proud of you. You are so brave." There are times when I can receive what He says freely but tonight I'm like HOW can you be proud of me? HOW am I brave? And His response was amazing....."Because you still cried out to me even in your darkest moments." I believe wholeheartedly, THAT saved me. The still managing to cry out to Him. To come back to Him after I had royally SCREWED up. It's the moment you shut Him out of the process and quit communicating with Him that you're in trouble. There's a saving grace about at least part of your heart remaining soft and open to Him. It's the hardening that is scary. The, "I will do what I want, when I want to" and you slowly shut Him out until you've officially shut Him out completely. So I still cried out. And He's proud of me. I love that about Jesus. He says things differently than I do. Is he ecstatic about the choices I made? No. But He still said I was brave. Amazing. And as I processed this we started talking about the Father. I don't know why but the Father scares me just a little. That is a whole other story that I will save for another time. But He says, "He's not like your dad, ash. And it's time you met Him." Can we say cry fest January 14th, 2010? Looks like I'm gonna meet my dad for the very REAL first time. What does that mean I wonder? :)

I have a friend who gets me

His name is Jesus. I don't even think that sounds corny. It's just simply the truth. I was driving to the bank today, aware that I was feeling a little sad and I felt Him say, "What is it, Ash?" My relationship with Him has changed and shifted in the last few months and it's not been through what I expected it to be. LOL! But I love that. It was through some of the darkest moments of my life thus far. Along with some really bad choices. So He asked me what was wrong and I told Him and I felt understood, heard, listened to with the utmost patience and kindness. Not judged. And He didn't try to 'fix it' for me right then. It was just enough to get it out and let it be what it was for that moment. And I moved on. I let go of a particular situation/person I've been struggling to let go of just a little bit more. Knowing that the emptiness and loneliness I've felt is dissipating as I do. The loveliest part about this whole thing is that I FEEL Him with me. I hear Him. I sense Him in a way I never have before. He is the friend who gets me better than anyone else ever has or will. Who knows the secrets of my heart and understands them even more than I do. Right now, it doesn't even matter that I can't tangibly feel Him. He is more present with me than anyone else I can physically touch or see. And I trust Him. I trust Him to lead me through this process. To bring my heart through to the other side. Because He is.

Trust the Father and the dark will lose its terrors

I was reading my simply surrender book this morning and the little journal entry was perfect for where I'm at and what I'm feeling today.

When everything looks black, it is indeed a heavy cross.
But you are not always to blame when this happens.
Do everything to detach yourself from passing cares and then rest assured that your Father will do the rest. He will not allow you to fall into the abyss.
Be of good courage. Do not be afraid of your little failures.
It is folly to pass your time on earth fretting over little things that you cannot change.
Instead rest in the arms of your Father.
Do not be afraid of the dark nor complain that you cannot see him who carries you in his arms.
Trust. The dark will lose its terrors and before long, peace, even joy, will return once more.
Do not be afraid to tell Jesus that you love him, even when you do not actually feel that love.
In this way you will compel him to come to you, and carry you, like the child you will always be,
too weak to walk on your own.

He is good and He is faithful. In this place where everything looks black to me at the moment, I am aware of His presence. I love the line that says "nor complain that you cannot see him who carries you in his arms. Trust." And as you trust, the dark loses its terrors.

Working for me and not against me

I've had an interesting week. Struggling to let go of something (in this case someone) that has been willing to give me what I've only 'thought' I wanted. The other night I was reading this book called 'Angry Conversations With God' and started addressing the anger I was feeling MYSELF over thinking it was somehow God's fault that I couldn't have what I wanted and then I suddenly realized He ALWAYS leaves it up to me. It was and is my choice. As I heard myself ask the 'Why?' question I heard Him say, "I never, ever withhold what is GOOD Ashley. In whatever form it comes in, hard or easy. It's My protection not to always give you what you think you want or tell you that it's ok to have it." It's not as if He's currently trying to deprive me of something. I think He's actually trying to GIVE me something if I will let go of my way of getting it and choose His way of giving it. It's funny how we go into blame mode. He will always grant us the freedom of choice. My struggle has been with my own heart and not wanting to do what is right or give up what I want. It's not been because He won't allow it. He simply lays out the better option before us and leaves us to the decision. Friday morning during our house prayer time we were reading out of 2 Corinthians 4 where it talks about our light affliction working something in us. This current struggle is my 'momentary light affliction' that I've not wanted to fully embrace up until this point. I've wanted to take what is seen and right in front of me rather than surrender, wait and trust what He will give, which is far more real and satisfying anyways. We were talking about perspective, which was funny because just last week Jesus asked me if He could give me new eyes with which to view my current circumstance/situation. My light affliction is not my enemy. It isn't working against me. It's actually working for me. This person that I haven't wanted to let go of is actually a gift. This struggle is a test of my character and has exposed all sorts of nastiness in my heart. And Jesus, I need grace to keep letting go.

Logic sometimes doesn't work

Do you ever feel like you're just going crazy? Or a part of you is going crazy? That's how I currently feel. Like the Ashley I knew 8 months ago has disappeared or gone into hiding and as I was thinking about some stuff this morning, I felt Jesus say, "Stop trying to figure it out. This isn't one of those things you can figure out logically." I think I've spent my life doing that. Part of me in my head and part of me in my heart. I want all of it to make sense, ya know? I want the past 6 months to make more sense. I would love for my emotions to sort themselves out and to feel like I'm not losing my mind every few days. Ha! Sometimes what we want and/or feel isn't logical or rational whatsoever. It doesn't make sense and so when you try to apply logic to it, it doesn't work. It just makes everything more confusing. I don't have an answer for what you do with it either. I asked that question directly after I heard Him say that and His response was, "What do you want to do?" And my answer is that I have no clue at this moment. All I know is that logic sometimes doesn't work.

My current question

The question I'm currently asking myself is, "How do you stand empty?" What does it look like? To allow the emptying and to be ok with it? To be ok with how it feels and the emotions it brings up? To not act out of a place of need? Some of what I've felt the last several months has scared me. Choices I've contemplated that are completely irrational and illogical. It's scary what need, loneliness and emptiness will cause you to consider. Those emotions and/or realities play quite the war on someone's heart and it is indeed quite the war in my heart at the moment. My emotions have felt pulled in so many different directions recently that I feel incredibly overwhelmed at times and I wonder if I'm losing my mind. Lol, maybe I am slightly? So how do you stand empty and be ok with it? How do you completely trust Jesus to meet you there when the need screams so much louder at times? I guess it really does come down to choice. Choosing what is right. And what is right is sometimes so much harder in the beginning. I think too, I've been expecting more of myself in this process than Jesus does. I'm pretty sure I do that WAY too often. I have made mistakes and I will continue to. But perhaps I need to remember it's about the small steps and choices. I don't have it figured out. I don't know how to stand completely empty and be ok with it and maybe that process takes time like everything else. I'm pretty sure you don't realize emptiness as a reality of your heart and are simply ok with it and accept it. Lol. Who does? Maybe I just answered some of my own questions :)